Raving Rants

Your Hangup, Not Mine

2011-07-01T00:00:00.004-04:00

Recently I came across a commercial for 5 Hour Energy Drinks. Now, normally I don't mind these products. Some people need little extra boosts from time to time, especially after particularly hard days. It's no surprise that the supply is merely trying to fit the demand. However, this commercial was different from the others I had seen. While most of the commercials for energy drinks either talk about getting rid of a tired feeling late in the work day or simply making you feel invigorated, this commercial was targeting people who were just waking up and a cup of coffee wasn't doing it for them anymore.

WHAT?!

I'm sorry, but what planet have I landed on where this is a good marketing strategy? Wait until the caffeine isn't working any more and then get them hooked on something else? Since when did playing off of a dependency become a standard practice in marketing? How did I miss this?

I hate to burst your bubble, but I don't think the best way to sell your product is to model your advertising campaign off of the average drug dealer. That's exactly what these people are doing, using this group's dependency on artificial energy boosting drinks to wake them up in the morning combined with their tolerance for caffeine rising through the roof due to them drinking way too much coffee.

In fact, isn't caffeine, and these other energy additives, drugs in and of themselves? Now that I think about it, I think maybe these guys ARE drug dealers! They found a way off the street by pushing a new product, legalized energy supplements. In a similar fashion to weed and crack, these drugs get stronger and stronger year after year. And people continue to buy them thinking it is perfectly safe.

News Flash: energy supplements are a TEMPORARY solution. They are meant to be used in an EMERGENCY. Like if your boss has just given you 24 hours to complete a project or you're fired and you were just about to go home and sleep. Taking these energy drinks constantly is telling your body something you really shouldn't be, "It's okay to not produce any more energy, I've got it covered." Do you really want to be telling your body this? That's what you do every time you take an energy supplement, especially just after waking up.

The entire point of sleeping is to give you enough energy to get through the day. Sure, on occasion you don't sleep long enough and need a bit more to top off the meter, but you don't do it with a quick fix. Eat a banana or something! Various natural foods will grant you the energy your need. It won't be all at once, but it will be a whole lot more and will last a whole lot longer. Also, not only will you be telling your body to make the energy itself using these delicious nutrients, but you are also saving hundreds of dollars you would normally be spending on coffee and energy drinks.

To sum it all up, stop drinking things to add a quick energy buzz. Stop it RIGHT NOW! You are only hurting yourself. Go eat some fruit and get that energy naturally for a lot less than what these 5 Hour Energy guys or the "barista" at Star Bucks would charge you for your drug habit. And pick a week where you're not gonna be very busy, because you ARE going to have withdrawal symptoms.

Pull yourselves together, people!

Should the U.S. Sell Its Gold?

2010-02-19T14:05:00.001-05:00

If you're like me, you're concerned about our national debt. You're concerned that our debt is the highest it has ever been. You're concerned that it has gone over $12,000,000,000,000. That's a lot of zeroes. So, the main question is, how should we remove this debt? There are those who say we should sell our gold. After all, what's it doing for us? Just sitting around in a stockpile. So, shouldn't we sell our gold for the $288 billion that it's worth? Does anyone have a better idea? I think I do.

JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!!!

If anyone with intelligence has read this article over on Parade.com/gold they've more than likely noted a small flaw in its reasoning. We USE gold to BACK our money! Sure, gold used to be our currency and now we use paper and coins, but the only reason that is worth anything more than the materials used to make it (and in the case of the penny, it isn't even worth that much) is because of the gold it represents!

How would you like it if the government told you that you could have some gold any time you wanted to collect it, with an I.O.U. or something, and then sent the gold to another country? They don't have any gold now, so what exactly is that I.O.U. worth? Not a thing, because the promised gold is gone. This is the exact reason why “selling” our gold is the dumbest thing any government can do. It's been known to happen at times, specifically for paying the national debt, but where the debt is now we'd be throwing a stick at a brick wall and hoping to crumble it.

How dense must someone be to think selling our gold for “money” is a good idea? What exactly would our money be backed by? Silver? Gas would jump to $50 a gallon if not more. Simply mentioning selling our gold would show a significant lack in intelligence on the government's part.

Parade.com and all others who think this way need to pull their heads out of the ground and look past the small green I.O.U. in their hands. It's only paper, and worth so much more with the backing intact. While I do believe we should do away with our money, this isn't the way it should be done. Regardless how much gold we have or how much of it we're entitled to, the gold is needed for our current trade.

After all, it's a very good stick.

Wii Titles Coming Up A Wii Short

2009-10-14T22:52:00.000-04:00

I'm really getting tired of all of these game companies making games for all systems but giving Nintendo the short end of the stick. This disliking of Nintendo systems started on the N64, when people claimed that all it could do was the same as the Playstation. Don't get me wrong, I love the Playstation, a lot of my favorite games are on Sony systems, but it’s not as good as the N64. Playstation was a few grades above SNES/Genesis. N64 was doing full 3D graphics, all the time, not Mode 7, which was a trick started on early SNES games. I admit that the N64 was not a whole lot better than Playstation, but it WAS better.

It moved onto the GameCube, where everyone thought it couldn’t handle as much as the PS2 or Xbox because it had the smaller discs and many games that used Cell Shading. So, because people liked the “cartoonish” graphics, that’s all it can handle? The GCN was able to handle everything the others were. It handled them differently, but it could handle them.

Now, we’re on the Wii, with the main competitors being Xbox 360 and PS3. Once again, we are claiming the Nintendo system is inferior because Nintendo didn’t “focus” on graphics. While the Wii is not as powerful graphically, it is better than the GCN. And the DS is getting the same crap, with people claiming it is a portable N64! Just because one of the first games was a N64 remake, does not mean that’s all it can do. The DS is on par with the PSP, which is a bit below the PS2 and above the N64. It’s still revolutionary for portable systems, especially with the new DSi. And while the Wii is not focused on graphics, it still has amazing graphics, better than GCN. Take Zelda for example. Twilight Princess was pushing GCN to its limits, but barely scratches the Wii’s surface.

So, why am I getting so worked up over hearsay? Because it is now taking its toll on the game design. Now we have game companies making games on all systems, but leaving Nintendo in the dust.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, graphics dropped, (Okay, fine) abilities were limited AND changed, (Fine, maybe they couldn’t figure out how to do them with the new controls, though that is a weak argument) they removed half the items, changed the story a little, left out cut scenes, and COMPLETELY altered the first level making it far too hard to see and far too easy to get through without knowing how to play. That’s too much to change for a different system. Know what changed between the 360 and PS3 versions? Some effects were altered for hardware limitations.

Ghostbusters, the game quality didn’t just drop, it was CHANGED beyond recognition. On the 360 and PS3, we have true to movie graphics, a system that simulated Ghost Catching by slamming them into the traps against their will, and an engaging plot. What stayed on the Wii? The story. The system now feels like Ghost FISHING and the graphics are true to the CARTOON. This was meant to be an interactive third movie, not the next season of the cartoon. That’s why the actors were brought in. And the Wii controls were PERFECT for the job at hand. I was hoping for them to perfect the game on the Wii so I could really feel like I had the proton pack on and the gun in my hand, wrangling in these ghosts to save New York and the world. Instead, I got “Let’s Go Fishing with Dan Akroyd and Friends” on the Wii.

The Simpsons Game. Here’s an AWSOME example of Nintendo hating on EA’s part. On the Wii, you have a pretty fun game. You can only use 2 Simpsons at a time, but that’s better than 1, there are special powers, the game is funny and engaging, and I had no problem with it (apart from a bit of a control problem) until I saw what everyone else got. PS3? 360? Better graphics, (Again, I understand) more powers, (Why weren’t these in the Wii version?) all four Simpsons able to be used at once in some levels, (How hard would it be to allow two more controllable people?) and you can even WALK AROUND SPRINGFIELD between levels. What do you get on the Wii? You get to walk around THE HOUSE. Why? Was it a space issue? I thought they settled that by removing the extra voices, graphics, levels, abilities, and programming by removing SPRINGFIELD from the game. And what’s with the DS game? More babying of Nintendo systems! They didn’t even bother with the original game, they made a completely new game in 2D. The DS can handle 3D, so why didn’t they do that? With the stylus and touch screen they could have done something similar to the Wii version’s controls. Take away some graphics, and the Wii version could have BEEN the DS version, then put the cut content back for the Wii.

There is no excuse for this kind of system prejudice. These game companies need to step down from their golden palaces and see what’s really going on in the gaming world. Nintendo stopped focusing on graphics and started focusing on Gameplay, where the real money is. I don’t care how “realistic” the graphics get, how “intuitive” the controls are, how “engaging” the plot is, or how many “voice actors” you get, PONG is still PONG.

April Fools!

2009-04-01T21:05:00.001-04:00

While I am not popular enough to conduct a proper April Fools joke, on any site, I feel it is necessary to bring to your attention how people seem to be reacting to these jokes. There are several people laughing hysterically. There are even more giving a great sigh, shaking their heads and getting the most out of this day. However, there are an alarming number of people who take this day offensively, even as an insult, and feel they must voice their rage to the masses! And, while it may not be April First by the time they read this, I feel I should give them a message for present and future April Fools days.

SHUT UP!!!

Why do you think everyone plays a prank like this EVERY April Fools day? It is to try to fool people with a prank on the one day that everyone will be expecting it! If you got fooled, laugh it off and move on. If you didn’t get fooled and are just annoyed, keep it to yourself, we don’t want to hear about it! Believe it or not, there are some people who enjoy this day and take pride in fooling people, or watching them be fooled. For some, like myself, we laugh at the cleverness of the jokes and the gullibility of the fools. Please leave this day alone and go brood elsewhere.

Oh, and for all of those people getting fooled… Come on… You should know that it is the first day of April, and that your favorite sites are gonna try to trick you with an outlandish prank. If you take ANYTHING seriously on this day, you’ve already confirmed that you are a fool for the day. Try to be less gullible in the future.

This has been your April Fools Day Reminder to sit back and enjoy the show, or we’ll force you to live it the whole year!

The Best Satire

2008-12-15T02:29:00.002-05:00

As an infinitely powerful being, there isn't much that can bother me. Even stupidity has a hard time finding my nerves, let alone getting on them. However, a certain individual seems to look upon himself as something close to a God. No, I don't mean myself. I am far too superior to be seen as something as small as that, nor do I press my opinion of myself onto the public as often as this person. He refers to himself as Maddox.

Maddox... The name alone makes you think of Mad Cow Disease. In nearly every article he writes, he discriminates against the rest of the world as if the rest of the world shares his views on the rest of the world. Don't believe me? Look up his website and see for yourself. What's worse is with all the hate mail he gets he is still too blind to see that the world is not on his side and continues to believe that he is right about everything.

Another thing that puzzles me is how he copyrights every drawing he makes, as if anyone would want to steal his crappy art work? I got news for him, he's not a great artist. He's not important enough to steal from. If anyone did steal his art, he would probably feel really good about that, ignoring the fact that someone would have to be mentally ill to think that it's any good.

To his credit, though, he does make some good points here and there and he is a remotely amusing read. Most of the people who give him hate mail seem to forget that he has the right to say whatever he wants. However, he claims that the very thing he does is stupid when others are doing it. Sorry, but all those people who talk about their feelings online? Remember how you say the rest of the world doesn't care? Eat it.

Why don't I give him hate mail about that? If he wants my criticism, he can go searching for it like a dog. Unlike him, I don't need the satisfaction of his arrogant reply. But if he does find this entry and feels the need to reply, I should say this...

By sending me hate mail, you acknowledge that I own all rights to the entire contents of your message, any images sent with the message, your email address, your house, your car, your first born and your soul. Furthermore, you agree to make your email address publicly available on this or any other web site, and you accept my views and opinions as being right regardless of anything. Furthermore, you agree that it is okay for me or anyone else to slander and/or libel you on this or any other web site, in public, at your place of employment, or anywhere else in this or any other universe and/or dimension. Know that sending me hate mail is a request for character defamation, endless belittling and excessive mockery. You may not sue me for any reason, ever, and this disclaimer is subject to change without notice, and you are still subject to the rules regardless of any changes made. If you do not agree with these rules, then don't send me hate mail.

Payback sucks, doesn't it?

The Best Page in the Universe, or so it is named, is the most self-centered, mind numbing, pretentious thing he could have done, considering that his feeble existence could be snuffed out in a nanosecond by just about anything. To put it simply, "The Best Page in the Universe" is anything but. It is a pathetic attempt for Maddox to make himself feel important in his own mind by telling off others and calling himself right regardless of the world's views on him. This kind of personality is referred to as foolish and unwise, but never-mind that, he is awesome! Let's face it, he is simply a mundane man with a mundane life and his opinion about anything only has value to the small handful of people he calls his friends, which he would drop in a second if any of them were anything above mindless lackeys.

In closing, I would like to inform you that everything I have said is satire. Just in case you didn't notice the title of this article. I know that Maddox's site is satire as well. I don't really have a bone to pick with him or his expressed views, so don't take the above too seriously.

I'm the OmniEpic Wizard. I write it, so bite me.

N00B WARZ

2008-12-11T14:46:00.004-05:00

Back millions upon millions of years ago, the first creatures of the Earth were just learning how to move around their environment. Apart from the exciting life of survival, however, there was only one true constant, something that remained and drilled into the limited minds of every living thing.

BOREDOM!

Everything that was able to perceive the world around it was finding everything they had already done to be boring. Moving around was boring, mostly because you had nowhere to go. There were no malls or arcades back then. In fact, there was barely anything. Eating was boring, because it was over too quick. When you’re eating just to survive, it’s rarely a good idea to slow down to enjoy your meal. And, sure, being chased can be an exhilarating and energetic experience, but not in a good way. You’re scared out of your mind when you are running for your life and certainly not doing it for the excitement.

So, for the next few years, everything was mundane, ordinary, and predictable. Eat, Sleep, Survive. That’s all there was. And, for a time, that’s all anyone thought there would be.

Then, someone made the first game!

It was a very simple game, with easy to follow rules. I chase you, but no one gets eaten. It was originally meant as training to survive longer, but they discovered how much fun it could be to run without risking your life. They had fun learning how to avoid getting caught and escaping their would-be killer. This game was taught to every child of every species of every creature on the planet.

LET THERE BE FUN!!!

Please join me in the present, now, for the true topic of this post. As long as there have been games, there have been these people that are willing to win at that game, no matter what, even if it means bending the rules or not playing fairly. Instead of gaining knowledge about the game and preparing themselves for every little thing that could go wrong, these people want to win as fast as possible, so as not to let their opponent think, cheapening the experience for both sides. Some of them succeed, most of them fail. All of them are referred to as:

N00BZ!

Unlike a newbie, who is a person that is new to the activity and needs to learn the basics, a n00b is someone who already has enough of an understanding to know they can’t win in a fair competition. So, they use every cheap shot, sucker punch, sneak attack, and dirty trick they know of to gain the upper hand. These people destroy the experience for everyone. They claim they are playing the game correctly, but I believe all games need to teach you something, even if it is basic language skills or hand eye coordination. However, instead of letting people around them, or themselves, learn the skills needed to be good at the activity, they beat them down with their knowledge of loop holes and rule benders before anyone can figure out anything.

I wouldn’t be complaining so much if these people were harming themselves, as these kinds of people wouldn’t last long any other way, but they insist on bringing down everyone around them, stopping them from learning anything or even having fun. These n00bz only know one thing, win. The problem is, whether they win or lose, their opponent doesn’t have any fun at all. They either suck, making the game too easy, or they use every trick NOT in the book forcing their opponent to sit there, doing nothing. Nothing taught, nothing learned, nothing fun.

There’s got to be a way to stop these people from ruining our fun activities. Anytime someone beats you down in a fighting game using a move that’s impossible to dodge, shove them to the ground over and over again, to show them what it’s like. Anytime someone uses a spell in a trading card game that freezes you without release while they pick away at your health, tie them up and give them the Chinese water torture. Anytime someone gets all of their friends to ambush you and beat on you, find some friends of your own, grab that person and lock them in a box with some VERY hungry ants. I guarantee you they will straighten out real quick, or at least not cheap shot you anymore. If all else fails, pit them against eachother, in an all out brawl of cheapness to the death! It’s not hard, you just need to show them how it feels and fight fire with fire!

Hmm… Speaking of Pyrotechnics…

You Are Winner!

2008-11-23T10:00:00.003-05:00

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to receive a free Nintendo Wii!

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to receive a free Verizon Blackberry!

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to receive a free Sony PSP!

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to hear this advertisement play in your browser for all eternity, or until your speakers die, whichever comes first!

Is it just me, or are these audio advertisements the most annoying form of advertising ever placed on the web? Audio advertisements began as a guy on the street, calling out to anyone who could hear him, as the best way to advertise without paper at the time. The next audible advertisement was on the Radio, because there is nothing visual on the Radio. Then they had advertisements on the Television. Of course you could hear them, but you could also see them moving. Televised advertisements were videos which, without sound, are rather boring.

When advertisements started on the internet, they were little more than electronic posters, possibly animated. Then we started having videos advertising online. Now, we have the normal, slightly animated electronic poster, on an otherwise boring and SILENT site, with a voiceover that’s louder than most videos you watch. What is it saying? Does it have a catchy jingle? Does it tell you about Ernie’s GIF site and Car lot?

No!

Congratulations! You’ve been selected as the latest pigeon to fall for this service cover-up!

Instead of flat out saying that we have a chance at getting something, we are told that we’ve been selected to get one! Doesn’t that imply you’ve already done what you have to do? Congratulations! You’ve won! Not quite. But you can win! You can get this item absolutely free by completing the below offers, which usually tell you to pay for something, or take a million convenient surveys, or test a product that your local crash test dummy would be wary of. Does this sound free to you?

So, not only is it annoying to listen to, but it’s false advertising! And worst yet, it plays ever time you load a page!

EVERY

SINGLE

TIME!!!

So you need to either find a way to stop it, or mute your computer. You don’t want to mute your computer, you want to watch a video on YouTube, or play a game on Newgrounds! You can’t do that without sound, not enjoyably, anyway. Seriously, what were these people thinking?

“Let’s annoy the average consumer, by barraging them with advertisements that never shut up, and never go away, so that they will click on that advertisement and complete every offer on the page in the hopes of us giving them a program that will block those advertisements from ever coming up again. But, let’s not provide that program, and instead give them even more advertisements so they will do it again!”

“WE’LL BE RICH!”

Ya know? I wouldn’t doubt it one bit.