N00B WARZ

Back millions upon millions of years ago, the first creatures of the Earth were just learning how to move around their environment. Apart from the exciting life of survival, however, there was only one true constant, something that remained and drilled into the limited minds of every living thing.

BOREDOM!

Everything that was able to perceive the world around it was finding everything they had already done to be boring. Moving around was boring, mostly because you had nowhere to go. There were no malls or arcades back then. In fact, there was barely anything. Eating was boring, because it was over too quick. When you’re eating just to survive, it’s rarely a good idea to slow down to enjoy your meal. And, sure, being chased can be an exhilarating and energetic experience, but not in a good way. You’re scared out of your mind when you are running for your life and certainly not doing it for the excitement.

So, for the next few years, everything was mundane, ordinary, and predictable. Eat, Sleep, Survive. That’s all there was. And, for a time, that’s all anyone thought there would be.

Then, someone made the first game!

It was a very simple game, with easy to follow rules. I chase you, but no one gets eaten. It was originally meant as training to survive longer, but they discovered how much fun it could be to run without risking your life. They had fun learning how to avoid getting caught and escaping their would-be killer. This game was taught to every child of every species of every creature on the planet.

LET THERE BE FUN!!!

Please join me in the present, now, for the true topic of this post. As long as there have been games, there have been these people that are willing to win at that game, no matter what, even if it means bending the rules or not playing fairly. Instead of gaining knowledge about the game and preparing themselves for every little thing that could go wrong, these people want to win as fast as possible, so as not to let their opponent think, cheapening the experience for both sides. Some of them succeed, most of them fail. All of them are referred to as:

N00BZ!

Unlike a newbie, who is a person that is new to the activity and needs to learn the basics, a n00b is someone who already has enough of an understanding to know they can’t win in a fair competition. So, they use every cheap shot, sucker punch, sneak attack, and dirty trick they know of to gain the upper hand. These people destroy the experience for everyone. They claim they are playing the game correctly, but I believe all games need to teach you something, even if it is basic language skills or hand eye coordination. However, instead of letting people around them, or themselves, learn the skills needed to be good at the activity, they beat them down with their knowledge of loop holes and rule benders before anyone can figure out anything.

I wouldn’t be complaining so much if these people were harming themselves, as these kinds of people wouldn’t last long any other way, but they insist on bringing down everyone around them, stopping them from learning anything or even having fun. These n00bz only know one thing, win. The problem is, whether they win or lose, their opponent doesn’t have any fun at all. They either suck, making the game too easy, or they use every trick NOT in the book forcing their opponent to sit there, doing nothing. Nothing taught, nothing learned, nothing fun.

There’s got to be a way to stop these people from ruining our fun activities. Anytime someone beats you down in a fighting game using a move that’s impossible to dodge, shove them to the ground over and over again, to show them what it’s like. Anytime someone uses a spell in a trading card game that freezes you without release while they pick away at your health, tie them up and give them the Chinese water torture. Anytime someone gets all of their friends to ambush you and beat on you, find some friends of your own, grab that person and lock them in a box with some VERY hungry ants. I guarantee you they will straighten out real quick, or at least not cheap shot you anymore. If all else fails, pit them against eachother, in an all out brawl of cheapness to the death! It’s not hard, you just need to show them how it feels and fight fire with fire!

Hmm… Speaking of Pyrotechnics…